Welcome

Welcome to my Blog, a place I plan to come to several times a week to express and share my feelings, thoughts and ideas. I also wish to share my articles, poetry and interests.

I love to write, however I feel I am out of much needed practise as I have unfortunately neglected this for quite some time. My other hobbies include Reading, Baking, Genealogy, Social & Ancient History, Animals, Computer Gaming and on occasion a little sport such as Tennis or Badminton. I do watch a little television however I mostly watch catch up on Netflix. I work Monday to Friday and try to use any spare time to balance my social time with my personal time. I hope to develop my writing skills and also broaden my knowledge on various subjects to provide more thought provoking and insightful articles.

If you come across any articles which you like I’d be grateful for comments and love to hear from you.

Over and out!!

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Retrospect

In retrospect, I feel that the Adoption Agency did not treat me very fairly. I could be wrong but this is just how I feel right now. I’m depressed, I’m anxious, I don’t want to do anything. After speaking with my brother about the job situation, he was quite upset and borderline angry; which is not like him.

Surely starting a new job will make anyone anxious, some more than others. Could CA really have not given me a couple of days to settle my nerves? They could not say, OK, we can see you have a really good reference, minimal sick time off work, a great skill set meeting the role requirements, we’ll give you a couple of days to adjust. I didn’t expect sick pay or anything.

When I spoke with their HR team the lady was very polite, but she almost used my anxiety against me. She took someone who was very upset and gave them (me) four hours to say whether I would either be in work, or resign. She said it was the companies interest that they needed someone now, I understood that but they would have to go through the whole employment process again, what a waste –  I was willing and I told her I wanted the job. Which I really did. She then told me that I should probably have a break from work, in a very calm way. To put something in writing that evening. She made out it isn’t normal to feel anxious. Yes, my anxiety is a little worse than others but if they had supported me I would have been fine after a week or so.

I’m not used to being unemployed, I’ve been in work since I left college and now my confidence has been destroyed. I keep blaming myself although everyone tells me not to.

Anxiety issues = unemployment for me!

Earlier this year, I was told in confidence that my role in Customer Services, was being made redundant. The whole operation was closing…but, I was not to worry. I was being offered the chance to apply for an internal role as a Marketing Assistant. I had tons of experience and the company didn’t want to lose me, plus a big pay increase, I went for it. After 6 years of waiting for a promotion, it wasn’t my idea of a dream but it was a good opportunity. I did feel partially used, as it was a circumstance rather than a “Wow you’ve done great, have this,” but that’s just my mind over analysing things as usual. Unfortunately, I had to keep quiet about the company situation, when CS was declared redundant it was obvious that I had some sort of ‘arrangement’. I felt horrible and two faced, but I had to think of myself.

Anyway, I spent the last 2 – 3 weeks after the announcement travelling to head office and handing over my previous role to the team there. It was hard, to say the least after nearly 7 years training someone else to do your job, especially when they didn’t seem to want it. But Hey ho, I had a new role, right? Yep, I was slowly learning it, but not a lot as I had to hand over the Customer Services first. Then my new manager hands her notice in, big bombshell. She didn’t want to travel the extra distance to where we were moving to and had a better offer. Fair enough, I was happy for her. I did feel a bit like I was being used, you know to just hand over the Customer Service, but they assured me they wanted me, which in retrospect I know they did.

Now, I was told there would be some travel involved with my new job, but I questioned it before hand as I know my anxiety has its limits. Once a month, after the training has been handed over. Yet, most the training had been handed over and I was still going once a week. I really struggled with this! I struggled to see the people I cared about, my work family as such looking for new jobs before their redundancy kicked in. I found it hard to sit in a role, basically looking at Facebook Business all day, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing and I was vocal about this. Training was promised and would obviously come, but I felt depressed, de-motivated. Time to move on? I felt like I needed a new opportunity and to meet some new people, as much as I loved everyone there.

I applied for jobs for just under or about the same salary I had moved up to. Administrative jobs, jobs that sounded enjoyble. I’d gained so much confidence working for this company I felt like it was time to step up my game. Not long after my manager left, I broke the news to them that I had been offered another job position and I’d be moving on. It was working for an Adoption Agency, no longer in the toy industry but it sounded amazing, and so rewarding! I was so excited and obviously a little nervous! I handed in my one months’ notice and prepared for my new role.

Last Thursday I finished my previous role, Friday to be precise if you count the day’s holiday I took. I started my new job this Monday and drove out to Bromsgrove. The people were so lovely, friendly, and it seemed like a nice role, easy for me to learn. It was quiet on the day I started. I felt sick, anxious, ill all day and I struggled to focus on anything. I know, I know, first day nerves. But I seriously struggled. Everyone was talking about the Christmas party the next day, meeting parents on the Wednesday and me, driving to Mansfield on the Friday. No one had mentioned the Mansfield part to me, I said I’d get the train and although they were friendly I sensed a surprised undertone. I asked in my interview whether there would be any travelling and they said no. In all fairness, it was a one off, but it was a lot to take in on my first day. For someone that has GAD and suffers to eat in restaurants and go to busy places sometimes, I struggled. Starting a new job at Christmas. BIG MISTAKE. So, I come home, worry about the next day. They were very nice social people, eat out a lot, asked me where I like to go… They mention how nice it is as they go out for lunch a lot. I just can’t cope. It’s too much to worry about in one go. I just wanted to sit down, learn and get to know everyone in the office first before trying to cope and worrying about all the external social activities people do in businesses. I got home and freaked out, constant panic attacks; sickness; crying; shaking… Too scared to go in the next day because of my nerves. So, I emailed them, I know it sounds stupid but I was in no fit state to drive and I couldn’t do it. The overnight change from somewhere I was relatively comfortable and people who were aware of my anxiety to this new role, new atmosphere. I must say, that I worked so hard in my previous role my anxiety didn’t factor in at work, only if there was a Christmas or Birthday meal which I sometimes couldn’t attend. I explained myself to my new employer and asked whether I could postpone my start date for a short while (I was thinking a week!) to help deal with the change of stating a new job. Unfortunately, they couldn’t help me with this. It will take them another month to get someone new with CRB checks and recruiting but they couldn’t do it… So, now, I’ve gone from a well paid full time job to no job overnight. All I have is myself to blame.

I feel too anxious to do anything, go anywhere, apply for anything. I feel like I’m having some sort of breakdown and I don’t know why, I don’t know what to do. What the hell is wrong with me? I have rent to pay and its Christmas, I was so looking forward to my new life. What if the people I worked with for 7 years find out I lasted a day in my new job? How can I explain my anxiety to someone that isn’t me when everything sounds so trivial? I honestly don’t know what to do right now.

End of an era

Today was a poignant day for me, moving out of the office I ‘ve worked in for the past 4 years. It isn’t just a regular business move, some people were made redundant others got to stay.

I had the opportunity to go to the new building in the countryside but I decided to move on and seek a new opportunity. Maybe a big mistake, or perhaps a new exciting adventure…either way working at T.P for the last 7 years has been an experience. There have been sad times, happy times, stressful and hilarious times. A really good bunch of people have came and gone, and I’ll miss them like they were family.

Sometimes we have to do things that are hard, sometimes we have to take risks…

I think it makes it harder that I do not get a “proper” goodbye, like all the other people that have moved on. As the new building is not ready yet…no internet, heating etc we’re all working from home until it is. My last day is the Christmas party which I won’t have time to/ plus I’m too anxious to attend. So I’ll be on my own, in the warm but without the customary hugs, good lucks. Not really proper closure.

It all sounds very melodramatic, but after 7 years in total working for a company under different ownership. A company that was rebuilt from the ground up during Administration. New faces, new friends, distant strangers. I was a shy, timid girl when I started working there. I still have no major confidence in myself but my development, progression and dedication have been noticed and appraised. I always want to progress, but it came too late… When you work hard, treat a business like it is your own and then make a decision to leave, it’s hard. We spend a lot of our lives in work and sometimes people become family.

Inevitably we always say we’ll meet up with people but we don’t…But I truly hope I stay in touch with a few people. Now to get the last 2 weeks over with and then move on.

Ramble Ramble

I haven’t written on here in a while, yet I love to write, ramble; it’s what I enjoy most. My life feels in a bit of a spiral at the moment, forgive me in advance if this post is too negative or miserable for you… In attempt to get myself back on track I’ve ultimately had to do a list which representatives the positive and negative changes that have taken place in my life recently. I feel I need to get this off my chest, my post is pretty informal, I’m treating this post as a diary entry…sorry nothing exciting.

Positives:

  • I’m doing well on my degree, I am still awaiting the results of my first module but I’m heading in the right direction.
  • We’ve moved house, no more unwanted pests, we get home and relax!
  • We’re happy together, nearly 6 years and still happy, it feels good to have Mike in my life.
  • I’m in generally good health, not everyone I know is; therefore I’m thankful for this.

Negatives:  

  • My job changed (Customer Service is now redundant), the pay is great however I feel that the extra travel will not help with my degree. Not only that…something tells me I’ll be bored, that it isn’t for me. Something in the pit of my stomach is urging me to leave despite the money…Stay = saving more for our own house, leaving = risking failure in another role, less money. Plus I feel constant guilt for even having this job opportunity when my colleagues do not! My head is a mess over this! I know I should be grateful.
  • I’m 27, yet I do not feel like I have achieved a great deal. I want to have my own house and start a family while I’m young…but I’ve been wanting a mortgage for about 5 years now, money seems to be the root cause of a lot of my issues.
  • I don’t know where I’ll be in a couple of years…job, family, house, anything. Surely I should have some idea by now?
  • I’m still insecure in my looks and have the same feelings I had when I was 18, but I cannot change the things I hate about myself.

Perhaps I need to do a plan, but every time I try my brain doesn’t seem to function. Back to the drawing board…I need to sort myself out.

Losing my sanity.

I am having a crisis, one that does not appear to be ending, and while I mope and cry I am also getting on with my life as best as I can. But it is hard isn’t it? When you feel like there is nowhere else to turn.

My Nan died two weeks ago, and while I cried at first and do sporadically, I feel like I am suppressing the truth as it cannot be so…the funeral is next week and yet nothing seems to be sinking in.

Then we have the problem with my rental property. Yet again a rat has died somewhere in the roof in our extension. Of course, perhaps if my landlord had arranged for the ceiling to be plastered after last time the smell would not be so horrendous but then again, maybe not!! So I wake up daily, and return home daily to all kinds of unwelcome guests in the bathroom, that my partner and I seem to “get rid of” only to find some more guests the next hour. We cannot use the shower, we use the bath upstairs daily costing us more time and money on the gas meter. The kitchen and utility room smells like a dead animal…but it’s OK, it’ll get sorted eventually after weeks off cleaning up and covering our noses. Meanwhile I cannot count the amount of times I have been sick, we have both started feeling really ill again. But we have not got enough money to move, after all we need a deposit! The builders are coming tomorrow to take down the ceiling and have another look, but it sounds as though it’ll just keep getting worse. Plus when I return from work I dread to think the state the bathroom will be in again.

If this were my house I would have paid for someone to sort this issue, when it was first reported nearly two years ago, but it isn’t. I feel like I have no one to talk to apart from my partner anymore, as why would anyone want to listen to my depressing problems? Surely it isn’t fair that we have to keep bleaching the floor, disposing of maggots and cleaning rat pee…

I just want to mourn for my nan, catch up my uni work and be happy …but my head is filled with so much I cannot seem to do anything.

Someone please rescue me!

Cornflake cakes <3

First attempt at Cornflake cakes this Easter and they did not last very long, will definitely be making these again. Fun and easy, no baking required and recommended for children! Recipe will be posted soon.

 

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Quick picture before they were all gone!

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My First attempt at …

…using Roll out Icing and also decorating a cake!

To try to improve and gain confidence / skill with baking cakes, I’ve decided to make it a routine on relatives birthdays to bake something new. So here is my first attempt for my sisters 30th, a simple sponge cake covered with icing and Strawberry Jam in the middle. It tasted great!

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