It isn’t my desire tonight to have a self-deprecating blog post, but I feel alone and sad…much like a lot of people I’m sure, but I feel like I need to vent somewhere just for a moment – ultimately I’ll regret my post in the morning but hey ho.
I can find this time of year pretty hard. I enjoy Christmas, admittedly I get a small break from work which is fantastic, but I love the feel of general happiness, being around those I care about and sitting back, relaxing and watching some crummy ol’ Christmas movies…I really do.
But for someone who struggles with general anxiety and occasional panic attacks, I also wish I could hibernate until it is all over. This September, essentially three months before Christmas I was already worrying and obsessing about the work Christmas party. Therefore I didn’t go…again, as usual. I avoided this like I avoid everything because I am too scared of risking “it”, of having a panic attack and ruining it for everyone and embarrassing myself again. Oh how I would love to have a good laugh, mix a little and enjoy myself. Hell, I’d even have a glass of wine or two..and I rarely drink but I want to be that person, not this shadow of a girl I have become.
So I decided long before to visit Sheffield instead and also my friend in Wakefield. Catching a train journey long distance seemed a less scary prospect than going to a work Christmas party, crazy isn’t it? I was all set to go, toothbrush, tickets, journey planner, then I wake up the morning before ill, ill enough to stop me from going. I know this wasn’t the anxiety stopping me as I booked the train tickets already and they were nonrefundable. Last time I forced myself into this situation I did it and had a great time…but this time I felt too rough and now also despise myself for that…letting people down yet again.
So here I am, deluding myself that one day I will be able to climb over this bridge I have chained myself beneath and live a little, not be afraid. To not let my unfathomable emotions think I’ll…
- Be sick at the dinner table due to anxiety and hyperventilating.
- Have a panic attack and end up being the unfortunate centre of attention.
- Being out of place / being the burden / being pitied.
- Be ashamed of my inability to do basic things…go out for a meal and have a good time.
My partner is currently at his works Christmas party, having a wonderful time no doubt and here I am alone and dwelling about my dissatisfaction over my life. I sound really pathetic I know. But I don’t want to be the one who sits home alone anymore. I hope someone out there understands me and I am not alone in this anxiety madness nightmare.