I wrote the below this afternoon, it is a very short piece which describes some of my emotions when I have an upcoming event that I do not wish to attend due to my fears and predictions. I get myself into such a state when I am invited out to a meal or sometimes certain social gatherings, that I worry about the event on a daily basis, weeks before it is even due to occur! I have been working very hard with my CBT guide to overcome this and challenge my thoughts.
I find myself trembling ever so slightly and white fluffy clouds begin distorting my vision, I’m hot and struggle to catch my breath as my heart begins to run its daily marathon.
Perspiration starts to trickle down my brow as I look in angst around my room.
I worry about having a panic attack even more than the event I have been invited to, I obsess, create scenarios in my mind and for each day that passes on the calendar, I fear the worst.
I am exhausted.
I try to suppress the negative thoughts that burrow in the back of my mind, but they linger and scratch at my temples with eager persistence.
My feelings and paranoia are dismissed and belittled by those around me as I struggle to keep my cool. Their lack of understanding depresses me.
As the day gets closer my anxiety increases, my patient, usual friendly manner wears thin. I snap at those around me.
I have only been invited out for a meal, how foolish and self-centered am I, If I turn down the invitation once again?
But how can I attend, with all those spectators that will witness my cries. I will lose control and panic will take control and destroy the once pleasant atmosphere.
I look for problems where none exist; I try to hide away where I will not be missed. I avoid the people I know and love; I despise my emotions and the emotional wreck I become.