In retrospect, I feel that the Adoption Agency did not treat me very fairly. I could be wrong but this is just how I feel right now. I’m depressed, I’m anxious, I don’t want to do anything. After speaking with my brother about the job situation, he was quite upset and borderline angry; which is not like him.

Surely starting a new job will make anyone anxious, some more than others. Could CA really have not given me a couple of days to settle my nerves? They could not say, OK, we can see you have a really good reference, minimal sick time off work, a great skill set meeting the role requirements, we’ll give you a couple of days to adjust. I didn’t expect sick pay or anything.

When I spoke with their HR team the lady was very polite, but she almost used my anxiety against me. She took someone who was very upset and gave them (me) four hours to say whether I would either be in work, or resign. She said it was the companies interest that they needed someone now, I understood that but they would have to go through the whole employment process again, what a waste –  I was willing and I told her I wanted the job. Which I really did. She then told me that I should probably have a break from work, in a very calm way. To put something in writing that evening. She made out it isn’t normal to feel anxious. Yes, my anxiety is a little worse than others but if they had supported me I would have been fine after a week or so.

I’m not used to being unemployed, I’ve been in work since I left college and now my confidence has been destroyed. I keep blaming myself although everyone tells me not to.


End of an era

Today was a poignant day for me, moving out of the office I ‘ve worked in for the past 4 years. It isn’t just a regular business move, some people were made redundant others got to stay.

I had the opportunity to go to the new building in the countryside but I decided to move on and seek a new opportunity. Maybe a big mistake, or perhaps a new exciting adventure…either way working at T.P for the last 7 years has been an experience. There have been sad times, happy times, stressful and hilarious times. A really good bunch of people have came and gone, and I’ll miss them like they were family.

Sometimes we have to do things that are hard, sometimes we have to take risks…

I think it makes it harder that I do not get a “proper” goodbye, like all the other people that have moved on. As the new building is not ready yet…no internet, heating etc we’re all working from home until it is. My last day is the Christmas party which I won’t have time to/ plus I’m too anxious to attend. So I’ll be on my own, in the warm but without the customary hugs, good lucks. Not really proper closure.

It all sounds very melodramatic, but after 7 years in total working for a company under different ownership. A company that was rebuilt from the ground up during Administration. New faces, new friends, distant strangers. I was a shy, timid girl when I started working there. I still have no major confidence in myself but my development, progression and dedication have been noticed and appraised. I always want to progress, but it came too late… When you work hard, treat a business like it is your own and then make a decision to leave, it’s hard. We spend a lot of our lives in work and sometimes people become family.

Inevitably we always say we’ll meet up with people but we don’t…But I truly hope I stay in touch with a few people. Now to get the last 2 weeks over with and then move on.

Losing my sanity.

I am having a crisis, one that does not appear to be ending, and while I mope and cry I am also getting on with my life as best as I can. But it is hard isn’t it? When you feel like there is nowhere else to turn.

My Nan died two weeks ago, and while I cried at first and do sporadically, I feel like I am suppressing the truth as it cannot be so…the funeral is next week and yet nothing seems to be sinking in.

Then we have the problem with my rental property. Yet again a rat has died somewhere in the roof in our extension. Of course, perhaps if my landlord had arranged for the ceiling to be plastered after last time the smell would not be so horrendous but then again, maybe not!! So I wake up daily, and return home daily to all kinds of unwelcome guests in the bathroom, that my partner and I seem to “get rid of” only to find some more guests the next hour. We cannot use the shower, we use the bath upstairs daily costing us more time and money on the gas meter. The kitchen and utility room smells like a dead animal…but it’s OK, it’ll get sorted eventually after weeks off cleaning up and covering our noses. Meanwhile I cannot count the amount of times I have been sick, we have both started feeling really ill again. But we have not got enough money to move, after all we need a deposit! The builders are coming tomorrow to take down the ceiling and have another look, but it sounds as though it’ll just keep getting worse. Plus when I return from work I dread to think the state the bathroom will be in again.

If this were my house I would have paid for someone to sort this issue, when it was first reported nearly two years ago, but it isn’t. I feel like I have no one to talk to apart from my partner anymore, as why would anyone want to listen to my depressing problems? Surely it isn’t fair that we have to keep bleaching the floor, disposing of maggots and cleaning rat pee…

I just want to mourn for my nan, catch up my uni work and be happy …but my head is filled with so much I cannot seem to do anything.

Someone please rescue me!

Not now, not ever.

It is difficult to know what to write, on occasions such as this. When you are avoiding the inevitable, pending, truth. Death is not an easy concept for anyone to come to terms with, nor is it a likely outcome that I can ever accept.

I worry about this darkness, this empty and bleak space where someone I once knew, laughed, existed, breathed the same air and stood in the same shadows. I want to telephone them – clinging, as if there is a small chance they will still pick up. I remember the telephone number as if it were yesterday, and if I had not all my senses, for a moment I might feel as though it still were.

Still, in this instance, everything is still as it was. Despite the outward appearance, the nervous glances and the truthful comments, I remain hopeful that things will revert back to how they were before, not perfect – no never that, but constant, and relatively happy.

Such strong will and determination, I’ve seen the mightiest fall, and nearly so. I’ve seen the strongest and kindest lose their battles and resign to their fate…but not this time, it is not the right time.

If I could take away all the pain and put you back as you felt not so long ago – 18? 25? not 86, I would. I’d sell my fortune, however little it may be to put everything right. Still young at heart, perfect in mind but trapped in a body that should not be yours.





The Road To Becoming A Survivor by River Hayden

“A touching autobiography written by River Hayden, as she shares with us her tragic story of sexual abuse, neglect, self harming and depression. An inspirational and honest account of her life and her struggle to overcome being a victim and becoming a survivor. 4.5/5”


Book overview and Review:

Reading River Hayden’s autobiography helps open our eyes to many aspects of life which we all hope to never experience. I think if given the choice out of a selection of autobiographies ranging from individuals aged 18 to 80; the probability of selecting a book written by a person who is much older than Hayden may be more common a choice, as some will presume what life experiences could a 25 year old young woman possibly have? I can confirm that this preconceived idea is not an accurate presumption; Hayden has clearly enlightened a few readers here, if ever they needed enlightenment. Tragic and moving life experiences are not “saved” for those with more life experience and are commonly thrust upon us at an age where we do not necessarily understand the difference between right and wrong.

Hayden has bravely and movingly recounted true events from her personal history which has help shaped and unfortunately haunted her throughout her life. From experiencing sexual abuse at the hands of family members closest to her, and later again in life we can only begin to imagine what she has been through. We step inside Hayden’s world and stand in her shoes, and see the events told from her perspective.

I think that River Hayden believes that by typing out her innermost thoughts, feelings and memories she will be able to release some of the pent up emotion that she has held back all these years. She will be able to help and inspire others who have experienced similar trauma and face her fears straight on, as the title of the book suggests, Hayden is on “The Road to Becoming a Survivor.”

I found this book inspirational and very interesting, I feel extremely lucky to have not experienced the sexual abuse that River Hayden and many, many others before and after her have lived through.

The fact that these events have also taken place over a number of years, a huge portion of Hayden’s life make the story even more harrowing. It is interesting to read Hayden’s personal retrospective view on the abuse she suffered, and her attempt to understand why the individuals did what they did and despite everything she has tried to build bridges with two of them. It is an impossible circumstance to pass judgement on, part of me was thinking, “Why are you trying to build bridges with people that have abused you in this way?”, but the other side of me was trying to understand and see how she feels. She tries to see the good in everyone while handling the unforgiveable.

The book covers not only her sexual abuse but the loss of her best friend due to cancer which I felt compelled to mention as it was so sad and touching. We also see a brief insight into the lives that have also shaped her story and helped her to survive.

 The beginning of the book is slow paced as Hayden struggles to reveal her trauma and spends quite a while expressing her fears about sharing the story due to the implications of 1) Revealing what close family members have done to her, 2) Her own personal ability to cope with opening up these raw wounds for the world to see. I believe you will require patience and compassion to bare with Hayden as she repeats her concerns, as she says it is a while before she gets to anything “juicy”,  but her story is an eye opener and I am pleased that I had the opportunity to read this book. I sincerely hope that River Hayden will find peace and enjoyment in her life and that she pursues her dreams without letting the past hold her back. It was insightful to partially walk in her footsteps, I will never be able to comprehend how people can inflict such evil deeds on others.

 I recommend this autobiography to all and I hope this helps connect with other individuals that have suffered with their own abuse, as you are not alone.

You can download the EBook via Amazon USA. Please note the book is currently going through a publisher so please be conscious that any spelling/grammatical errors will be corrected as soon as possible.