Losing my sanity.

I am having a crisis, one that does not appear to be ending, and while I mope and cry I am also getting on with my life as best as I can. But it is hard isn’t it? When you feel like there is nowhere else to turn.

My Nan died two weeks ago, and while I cried at first and do sporadically, I feel like I am suppressing the truth as it cannot be so…the funeral is next week and yet nothing seems to be sinking in.

Then we have the problem with my rental property. Yet again a rat has died somewhere in the roof in our extension. Of course, perhaps if my landlord had arranged for the ceiling to be plastered after last time the smell would not be so horrendous but then again, maybe not!! So I wake up daily, and return home daily to all kinds of unwelcome guests in the bathroom, that my partner and I seem to “get rid of” only to find some more guests the next hour. We cannot use the shower, we use the bath upstairs daily costing us more time and money on the gas meter. The kitchen and utility room smells like a dead animal…but it’s OK, it’ll get sorted eventually after weeks off cleaning up and covering our noses. Meanwhile I cannot count the amount of times I have been sick, we have both started feeling really ill again. But we have not got enough money to move, after all we need a deposit! The builders are coming tomorrow to take down the ceiling and have another look, but it sounds as though it’ll just keep getting worse. Plus when I return from work I dread to think the state the bathroom will be in again.

If this were my house I would have paid for someone to sort this issue, when it was first reported nearly two years ago, but it isn’t. I feel like I have no one to talk to apart from my partner anymore, as why would anyone want to listen to my depressing problems? Surely it isn’t fair that we have to keep bleaching the floor, disposing of maggots and cleaning rat pee…

I just want to mourn for my nan, catch up my uni work and be happy …but my head is filled with so much I cannot seem to do anything.

Someone please rescue me!

Anxiety and Avoidance- Christmas Blues

It isn’t my desire tonight to have a self-deprecating blog post, but I feel alone and sad…much like a lot of people I’m sure, but I feel like I need to vent somewhere just for a moment – ultimately I’ll regret my post in the morning but hey ho.

images (1)

I can find this time of year pretty hard. I enjoy Christmas, admittedly I get a small break from work which is fantastic, but I love the feel of general happiness, being around those I care about and sitting back, relaxing and watching some crummy ol’ Christmas movies…I really do.

But for someone who struggles with general anxiety and occasional panic attacks, I also wish I could hibernate until it is all over. This September, essentially three months before Christmas I was already worrying and obsessing about the work Christmas party. Therefore I didn’t go…again, as usual. I avoided this like I avoid everything because I am too scared of risking “it”, of having a panic attack and ruining it for everyone and embarrassing myself again. Oh how I would love to have a good laugh, mix a little and enjoy myself. Hell, I’d even have a glass of wine or two..and I rarely drink but I want to be that person, not this shadow of a girl I have become.

So I decided long before to visit Sheffield instead and also my friend in Wakefield. Catching a train journey long distance seemed a less scary prospect than going to a work Christmas party, crazy isn’t it? I was all set to go, toothbrush, tickets, journey planner, then I wake up the morning before ill, ill enough to stop me from going. I know this wasn’t the anxiety stopping me as I booked the train tickets already and they were nonrefundable. Last time I forced myself into this situation I did it and had a great time…but this time I felt too rough and now also despise myself for that…letting people down yet again.

So here I am, deluding myself that one day I will be able to climb over this bridge I have chained myself beneath and live a little, not be afraid. To not let my unfathomable emotions think I’ll…

  • Be sick at the dinner table due to anxiety and hyperventilating.
  • Have a panic attack and end up being the unfortunate centre of attention.
  • Being out of place / being the burden / being pitied.
  • Be ashamed of my inability to do basic things…go out for a meal and have a good time.

My partner is currently at his works Christmas party, having a wonderful time no doubt and here I am alone and dwelling about my dissatisfaction over my life. I sound really pathetic I know. But I don’t want to be the one who sits home alone anymore. I hope someone out there understands me and I am not alone in this anxiety madness nightmare.

Anxious about having a panic attack = having a panic attack due to how anxious I feel.

I wrote the below this afternoon, it is a very short piece which describes some of my emotions when I have an upcoming event that I do not wish to attend due to my fears and predictions. I get myself into such a state when I am invited out to a meal or sometimes certain social gatherings, that I worry about the event on a daily basis, weeks before it is even due to occur! I have been working very hard with my CBT guide to overcome this and challenge my thoughts.

anxiety-clipart-kle0261

 I find myself trembling ever so slightly and white fluffy clouds begin distorting my vision, I’m hot and struggle to catch my breath as my heart begins to run its daily marathon.

Perspiration starts to trickle down my brow as I look in angst around my room.

I worry about having a panic attack even more than the event I have been invited to, I obsess, create scenarios in my mind and for each day that passes on the calendar, I fear the worst.

I am exhausted.

I try to suppress the negative thoughts that burrow in the back of my mind, but they linger and scratch at my temples with eager persistence.

My feelings and paranoia are dismissed and belittled by those around me as I struggle to keep my cool. Their lack of understanding depresses me.

As the day gets closer my anxiety increases, my patient, usual friendly manner wears thin. I snap at those around me.

I have only been invited out for a meal, how foolish and self-centered am I, If I turn down the invitation once again?

But how can I attend, with all those spectators that will witness my cries. I will lose control and panic will take control and destroy the once pleasant atmosphere.

I look for problems where none exist; I try to hide away where I will not be missed. I avoid the people I know and love; I despise my emotions and the emotional wreck I become.

My Old Friend, Mr Anxiety.

Dear Old Friend, we’ve known each other throughout my entire existence, almost everyday you greet me as I leave my home, my sanctuary, the only place you rarely enter.

Dear Old Friend, you have accompanied me through every chapter of my life, your guidance has helped me to overcome my burdens, grief and self doubt. Your strenuous efforts to warn me of any dangers ahead have protected me and kept me safe.

Dear Old Friend, I sometimes feel as helpful as you can be, I cannot keep you within my control. It does not feel normal to shake and feel nauseous when sometimes you visit, however you say to accept your guidance with open arms, I feel lost and utterly confused.

Dear Old Friend, tonight we dined in a restaurant full of co-workers and friends. You came along for the journey and chatted away until we reached the table. I felt you squeeze the energy from my body, the breath from my lungs, why oh why did you do that?

Dear Old Friend, you’re squeezing me too tight and I can scarcely breathe, my voice is just a whisper. That nauseous feeling has greeted me once again and it was too late, I was sick at the table.

Dear Old Friend, as terrified as I am to face you with your darkened veil, your persistent presence is no longer welcome and I demand that you leave! I feel you smoother me as I try to tip toe from my home. I feel your unearthly control dominating me, strangling me, as my attempts to overcome you repeatedly fail in catastrophic ways. My body is shaking uncontrollably. Please leave and never return.

Dear Old Friend, why do you continue to pursue your relentless campaign to revoke any and all social outings I am invited to? Why must your selfish lingering spoil any chance I have of overcoming my hellish nightmares and infuriating fears.

Dear Old Friend, it pains me to admit that I once looked to you as a source of great comfort and release, when times were so difficult and things were tragically getting worse.I turned to you when I was engulfed in a deep pit of tangled anguish and despair, but you betrayed me in the most conniving and unsuspecting way.

Dear Old Friend, every corner I now turn is full of dead ends and darkened rooms. Padlocked doors greet me as I try to regain control, I find myself avoiding the things I once enjoyed. My shackles feel too overwhelming to fight you today. My heart is pounding and my peripheral vision sees shadows where monsters lurk. I envy your sickening confidence, your determination and devotion to my suffering.

Dear Anxiety, I’m going to face you someday, I am gradually but surely going to regain my control over you.

I’ll remove your veil and stare into your dark and hollow eyes. I’ll remove my chains and walk into where the shadows hide.

I’d take pleasure in your welcome demise, however you may stick around, for in time I may require use of you once again. But never again will you use me.